my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So vagazzling was a success
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
