Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
