Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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