Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
