That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
