i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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