It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
