i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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