Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize