Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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