dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize