you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
