I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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