so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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