Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
