I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize
