I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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