I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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