I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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