I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
