Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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