it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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