Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
