i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize