I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
