I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Randomize
