the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
