fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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