I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
