One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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