Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
