Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
