I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
