it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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