So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
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