Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize