I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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