Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
