The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I understand Curling. That high.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize