you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
