Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
whose parrot is this?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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