omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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