i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
