life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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