The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
