The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
someone owes me an orgasm
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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