if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
