walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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