He disabled his match.com account in front of me
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Randomize