After last night, I could never be a politician.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
