im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You made out with two different species that night
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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