Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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