I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
