i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
