Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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