at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
