Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
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