it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
