You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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