How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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