We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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