Non-Jews are for practice
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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