god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
