Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Houston, we have a squirter
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
