Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
