All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
