Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
